I’m baaack!
The universe has a way of speaking to us, if only we could just slow down enough to listen, a difficult feat in this fast paced world.
Like the true extroverted introvert that I am, leaving social media was necessary to replenish myself, refill my cup, and try a new direction in life. Focusing on being in the moment and enjoying in-person social interactions helped rejuvenate my passion for life and find the energy I needed to repair myself.
Reciprocal relationships were key in building a solid foundation. Add COVID, those precious and limited human interactions came to an abrupt stop. Contrary to my own belief, I did not crave the social interaction and dive head first into social media. Instead, I slinked even further into my cocoon, reeling from the negative energy palpitating from the world.
The social unrest fueled by the actions of those meant to protect us, the ugliness of those whom believe the pandemic is a political game, the hate spewed by those blinded by the bipartisan bullshit we have been conditioned to believe, the reality of a world so broken, I hurt. I physically hurt. My fellow empaths will understand how real this statement is. Our world needs healing.
Going with the flow when the waters get rough requires incredible balance and focus. If you are already off kilter and there is nothing but chaos surrounding you, it is damn near impossible to find the calm and focus necessary to regain your balance.
I was already carrying heavy weights, working through my PTSD to build positive, healthy relationships in my home life. Work life came with its own set of tizzying effects, going from a company that triggered my PTSD to one I thought would bring balance to my world, I hoped I would be in a better place. However, the secondary traumatic stress (STS) that came with this new role was more than I bargained for.
My unhealed wounds kept creeping to the surface. My current state of mind could not support the constant bombardment of stimuli that came with this “New Normal.” Add the social chaos and negativity, my physical being could not sustain. I lost my balance. I was no longer able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and continue moving forward. Something had to give.
But, you see, when I love something so much, I struggle to let it go. Holding on until the final thread is worn and gives. *SNAP*
My word for 2020 is: Release. I asked the universe help me release all that no longer serves a positive purpose in my life. I asked my ancestors for the wisdom and guidance to learn how to let go of unhealthy attachments. Boy, did they answer!
Now, I am faced with a choice. I could blame others and recoil within even further, allow my anxious brain to over-analyze every single aspect of the situation that led me to where I am, and shame myself until the guilt consumes me. Or, I can relish in the weightlessness I have not felt in ages, focus on healthy, honest reflections, and use the lessons learned to help guide me down my next path.
I choose honest, healthy reflections and learning; a humbling experience.
I am human. I am not perfect, far from it. I make choices that aren’t always the best, but I don’t regret anything in life. I don’t call them mistakes, rather they are learning opportunities. (My daughter loathes this concept so much that every time she hears it she rolls her eyes so hard I’m afraid she is going to knock herself over!)
Every choice is met with a consequence. That consequence is either positive or negative. What you do with that information is imperative to building. If you blame outside factors, you lose the lesson and the foundation on which you build yourself is shaky. Structures built on shaky foundations fall amidst rough storms. The more we start over, the harder it is to begin again.
Owning your role in the situation allows you to honor yourself. When we make poor choices and face the negative consequences that arise, it is uncomfortable and sometimes painful. But true growth lies just outside our comfort zones.
In my honest reflections, I realize where I went wrong. I know I could have done better, but these other factors at play prevented me from being able to put my whole self in and (shake it all about- oops sorry, not the hokey pokey, LOL!) fix the situation. That is on me, but I can’t sit in this negative space forever. It hurts, yes. There is nothing I can do about it now, so continuing to beat myself up about it will not improve the situation. I am not a victim; I was an in-active participant, riding the bench for the last half of the game. Not my favorite position to be in, but the reality when you foul out before the game is over – right G?!
A passion project turned toxic, the universe spoke loud and clear. My great-grandma, may her soul rest in eternal peace, always looking out! This major change in my life presented itself on her birthday, I hear you Grandma. Thank you for helping lift the weight off my shoulders allowing me to breath and spread my wings!
“The minute you start falling victim to your circumstances is the minute you let this world dictate how high you climb on this mountain of life.”
–Gloria Atanmo, From Excuses to Excursions
I’m still on the mountain, I may have been derailed momentarily but that doesn’t mean I won’t reach the top. I will not stop until I summit this beast!!
Only now, after much reflection, processing, and self-care, am I ready to dive headfirst into the digital world of social interaction
I miss you all and am looking forward to reconnecting. For those I have not met yet, I am excited to meet you and get to know you!