If these last four years have taught us anything, it’s that even when things feel the bleakest, there is still hope for a better future. If we can find hope amidst the most trying times our nation has witnessed in the 21st century (thus far), then I can find myself amongst the rubble of what once was me.
Over the years, I have lost many aspects of myself to the world. Although it felt as though they would be gone forever, I now know I have the ability to find them and bring them back to the surface.
What have I lost you ask?
- I lost my self-care, my selfless mindset lead to unhealthy relationships that took more than they gave, leaving me with little to nothing to care for myself.
- I lost my appetite, I experienced extreme weight loss due to high stress and sedentary jobs.
- I lost my strength, I have Neva been this weak in my life – an extremely humbling experience.
- I lost my mind, my mental capacity has severely diminished.
- I lost my energy and resilience, leading to the vicious cycle I am trying to end now.
- I lost my drive, my motivation has escaped and is nowhere to be found. Self-discipline went out with energy and strength.
- I lost my confidence, my stance has noticeably changed.
- I lost my light, dimming it so much the flame was suffocated and stamped out.
- I lost my voice, concern for my actions reflecting poorly on others (and the org I was working for) made me feel as though I could not be my true and authentic self.
- I lost my truth, unable to speak for myself and facing extreme judgement from others, made it difficult to discern what was best for me.
- I lost my job, the loss of everything else made it impossible to maintain the high performance I pride myself in.
- I lost my pride, losing all of the above meant I no longer had anything of worth. No sense of pride in who I currently am, leaving me feeling useless and weak.
Fortunately, through all of this, I have NOT lost my positivity and grit. I will prevail. I will be better than I was yesterday.
Channeling my inner Peter Pan, I will capture my shadow, I will become whole again. I just have to figure out how to keep it from running away again!
In the spirit of Tinkerbell, the finder of lost things, a talented fairy that can see beauty amongst the broken and abstract, I will find myself again. Although what I encounter may be broken bits reminiscent of past things, true to Japanese beliefs, not only will they be more beautiful than before, but they will help create the strongest foundation with which to build the life of my dreams!
This is my path to finding and rebuilding myself, this is me finding my voice and learning to speak my truth.
This is me, finding my lost things.